My friend and former work colleague, Olivier, asked me to review Conan the Barbarian a little while ago, and I’m pleased to report that I finally got around to doing so. (This one’s for you, buddy!)
I’m happy to take your requests, but I make no promises. Let me know which movies you would like me to watch, and...I'll see what I can do.
Synopsis: Big, beastly barbarian berserker bangs buxom burglar babe, busts badguys, battleaxes bodies.
Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Through the history of mankind, the times that are most recorded in mythology and song are those of great deeds and fantastic adventures. Such was the Hyborean Age. Such a tale is the story of ‘Conan the Barbarian.’”
What Did I Learn?: Snake cults are bad news.
You Might Like This Movie If: You always felt this TV series needed a few scenes involving topless women and squirting blood.
Really?: 1) What exactly was the big 'Wheel of Pain' that Conan was chained to in his adolescence? A grist mill? Did it have a purpose besides torture? 2) One could ask how a black guy (Thulsa Doom, AKA James Earl Jones) wound up in “Hyborean Age” Europe, but it turns out the Hyborean age was fictional, and this film isn’t exactly an accurate depiction of pre-Christian civilization.
Rating: Conan the Barbarian remains one of Ahhnold’s best movies. The story is simple and powerful, the musical score is inspirational, and Thulsa Doom is such a bastard that it’s tough not to find the finale richly rewarding. 8/10 stars.